Decisions, decisions....

As you all probably know, mike, Jacob and I are all over in Australia at the moment. We are in Mike's hometown of Canberra and are quite frankly having a blast. It's a gorgeous, family - friendly, city, with lovely affordable, family homes, plenty of places for young kiddies, great malls, stylish shops/restaurants/cafes. We came over as we'd had a tough time of late in London. We came over to visit Mike's family, get our heads sorted and to see if we could ever call Canberra home.
I've been with Mike 5 years now and we have always discussed moving here when the time is right. I always said maybe when we have kids, which of course we now have, yet I have still decided that I'm not ready to move over. When I read over the first sentence of this post it's hard to get my head around why I'm not ready? It's perfect , what is there not to like?

The truth is, you cannot be where you do not see yourself being, you cannot force a move when your heart is not in it. How do you compromise when one of you wants to live somewhere and the other doesn't? The pressure on me has mounted so high that I am now backing away from it all, the disappointment in mike's family's faces.. the disdain, the look in their eyes saying "fine, go home, you'll be in a mess again within a few months and don't expect us to bail you out next time"
It's like this MASSIVE fat elephant in the room whenever we are all together and I just don't know how to explain why?

Because I love London, and it's people and its parks, and places and atmosphere and buzz. It's my home.
Because I love my sisters so much, and when its their turn to have babies, I want to be there standing next to them holding their hands and watching their children grow. Not having to communicate with family and friends via a whispered telephone call in the dead of the night due to time differences.
Because, even though Mike and I have been through a difficult patch financially, I want us to prove that we can get back on our feet. We've been blissfully happy in London before and I want to, need to prove to myself that I can do that again, that I don't need to rely on others to bail me out. I'm fiercely independent and do not need people looking over my shoulder and commenting on everything I do.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Am I stringing mike and his family along? I sure as hell hope not? Is it normal to be pressurised this much?
Who knows. All I do know is, London, I'll be seeing you on July 15th.