TWIN

In case anyone didn't know, I'm a twin, and in one hour and 13 minutes my twin and I will be 29 years old! I cannot fathom that I have spent 29 years next to this absolute nutcase. My mum told me the other day that with the help of groundbreaking new scan footage they've proven twins fight in the womb... Eh? I could have told you all that years ago! Me and Anita have been fighting from the moment our arms and legs had developed. We used to punch each other in the nose whilst sitting in our double buggy as toddlers, and steal and throw away each others dummy's.

Thankfully we've grown out of a few of those old habits (haven't punched her in the nose since 1999 when she said for a joke she wishes she was injured so she could have the day off work - I said I'm sorry!) She is without a shadow of a doubt, my best friend, one of the only people in the world that can make me collapse belly laughing just by giving me a look. She totally gets me, humours me when I'm being a complete idiot (quite often) and absolutely worships the ground my son walks on. She's the funniest, coolest girl I know, slightly mental, with a phobia of apples on buses (that provide no end of entertainment) a cracking sense of humour, and the ability to instantly make me feel better, just by being there.
From the Gloria Estafan, Kylie days, to the Take That/Boyzone era, all through the Spice Girls years where we found ourselves dancing on chairs at the ROyal Albert Hall to 'Who Do You Think You Are!' and continuing through Britney Spears/Backstreet Boys past the Millennium, the end of School/The class of 2000 and into Adulthood!..Where we found ourselves in our early twenties in Clapham and carving our way in the world. Throughout my journey into Motherhood she's been by my side every step of the way, turning up every day for 3 months after Jacob was born and being a constant support throughout the battles.
Thank you neet, it's been an absolute blast! And you are an absolute LEGEND.

Happy Birthday x x x

Why I'm looking forward to saying Goodbye, 2012.

"From the end, spring new beginnings"

As 2012 draws to a close and a brand new year approaches I can't help but feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like this is a new chance to dust off the old worries, the bad memories of this year and start afresh and full of hope. As a family we've had a pretty rough year, we had to move from our long term family home in May, to a new house and area which hit me hard (I'm a creature of habit) shortly afterwards I was diagnosed with Depression which was sort of known about and understood amongst myself and my partner for quite some time. Although it was the first time I had so openly asked anybody for help. We battled on and with the unconditional love from Jacob and support and love from Mike we made plans for a better future. We moved again, to a different city for a new job that didn't work out, and we moved again, at least 3 times, short term renting until we found a long term solution. Along the way we've battled suspected measles, bereavements, more vehicle breakdowns then I can even comprehend! a complete upheaval, staying in the homes of friends and family with all our lovely belongings in storage for months on end. Basically just a complete uncertainty of what our future held and where we were headed! That combined with depression is enough to send anyone completely barmy.

Fortunately with everything still intact and my head together(ish) I'm still being positive, looking to the future, we're moving into our new house (long term woohoo) in the first week of January and I absolutely cannot wait to get my stuff out of storage and build my family home again. Jacob is a new man (well, baby) walking, gibbering away, off the formula and generally a happy little goofball. Mike and I are still strong (and at times that hasn't always been the case!) but I think in life, you take each day as it comes. There is so much to be thankful for, so much fun and silliness in everything. Staying strong in life is the hardest thing in the world but when you do it and you come out the other side, you feel invincible.

So what have I learnt in 2012?

• Having mega toddler style tantrums DO NOT solve anything at all, ever.

• You'll never be able to keep up with the Jones's. Stop trying.

• Your kid is a happy little loon, stop worrying/analysing/wondering if everything you are doing is wrong/shit/stupid.

• Change isn't always bad.

• Go easy on yourself. You will never be able to please everyone. Just be yourself, be kind and try not to mess up (too much)

• Give more time to people who are important and less time to people that aren't (I learnt that lesson the hardest way - when it was too late)

And lastly, • LAUGHTER really is the best tonic!

So Happy New Year everyone! Hope 2013 brings you all love and luck xoxox

Christmas.

Can't believe it's that time of year again. I absolutely love Christmas, I love the lead up, I love the lights, and the atmosphere, heck I even love the snow and the freezing weather. I also love NYE and the 30th (my birthday)
I basically feel December should be one big sparkly, wine and choc fest.
Before Jacob, I used to really love the staff Christmas "do". I used to actually enjoy cramming in the tiny toilet cubicle, off with the jeans and on with the tights, dress, nice shoes, glitter on the eyes, lippie and a quick spruce of the hair under the hand dryer (for volume dahhlings) And that "yes! We're not paying for any of this!" buzz you can see in everyone's eyes.
Since having Jacob, as amazing and fulfilling being a stay at home mum has been ("The only job that matters" says Queenie herself) I've really missed that feeling! It's my second Christmas where I haven't been at work and I'm lacking the enthusiasm I once had for it, weirdly! I think because Jacob is only 14 months, he still hasn't a clue what/when or who Christmas is. Although I'm sure the lights and atmosphere aren't lost on him. And our cosy afternoons at home watching Christmas films whilst commuters are waiting in the cold for packed trains and buses, sure aren't lost on me either!

But....I also haven't had that "Friday Feeling" for a long time either, that level of excitement that swirls around London at 5pm (or 3pm depending on where you work) every Friday afternoon.
I guess I'm missing work! And now that Jacob's a bit older I'll be preparing to go back. Ridiculously, I know once I'm at work I'll miss and crave Jacob and I's lazy afternoons on the sofa, and our fun days out and trips to the park.
In the meantime I'm trying to surround myself with friends and family, trying to get into the Christmas spirit again!

Baby memories!

Also, wanted to share with you this gorgeous quilt made by the very talented Beth at Bunting & Bows. It's made of around 20 of Jacob's first baby gro's and T- shirts that I didn't have the space to store or were stained at the front (I'm unlikely to use a stained baby gro on a new bambino) as Beth uses the material at the back (but will sew on any logos/pictures from the front.

I have a memory of Jacob in every one of these items of clothing. I absolutely love it and so does he!
Check out her page on Facebook. Bunting & Bows. Fab stuff.

Exhausted.

Jacob is teething, I have a horrendous cough, we are temporarily sharing a room due to a rental issue. So he wakes me up, I cough and wake him up, then he wakes me etc etc.....
After having a child, sleep becomes this mystic, hazy distant memory. Constantly chasing it, dreaming about it (ironically) trying to get more of it and trying to survive on less of it. But god I miss it!

I've tried Controlled Crying. I don't have the willpower to continue. It simply doesn't feel natural to ignore your child who is crying for you, so in i go all rocking and soothing for hours on end. I have done it on a few occasions but can't do it long enough for it to actually "work" long term.

He also comes into our bed if we're having difficulty resettling him in the middle of the night. I then spend the rest of the night being kicked in the back and punched in the nose (he's a squirmer)
The only positive and lovely thing about being this shattered constantly is the beaming smile I get on the morning's that Jacob wakes up next to me, he strokes my face and gives me a big kiss. That usually follows by him being a complete monster for the rest of the day but hey you gotta cherish the good times and just get on with the bad.

The positives this week are; he's saying the word 'banana' a lot. He's clapping, dancing, and running. Eating lots of fruit and veg and not spitting out his food as much.

Pilly.

This one is dedicated to my Gorgeous, warm, charismatic, eccentric, talented, kind, beautiful Godmother, Pauline Margaret Ruspoli Tankerville Chamberlayne Cowell. AKA Pilly.


Has anyone ever met somebody who completely changes their life. I did. Pily came into my life when I was around 7 years old. She lived in a massive Victorian house right next to my school, a class mates Mum introduced my Mum to Pilly, and that was that. My twin sister Anita and I declared from that moment that Pilly was our fairy godmother, and she really was.
With a mass of flowing long red hair and huge Lennon style glasses, with clear porcelain skin and rosy red cheeks, always accompanied by a light brown lippie, she sure was an exotic creature. She was a photographer and always had her Camera on a round her shoulders ready to snap something or someone.
Pilly was born in Paris in 1937. Her parents Tanks and Phemie were living there, as soon as Pilly was born they fled to Ireland as the Nazi's had started to invade France. They led a very bohemian lifestyle in Ireland and rented a flat in the left wing of a very grand castle called Tullynally in Castlepollard near Mullingar. I spent many every Summer holiday and some winters in this castle as a young teenager, even having my first Tequila experience with the son's of Thomas Pakenham who owned the Castle (Anita had her first ever bout of alcohol poisoning - Ahhh the good old days) We also used to stay in Pilly's Auntie Maggie's cottage in Scotland during half term. A picturesque little cottage with ghosts and pear trees.
As a young adult Pilly moved to London where she sold her fabulous home made pottery at Arts and Craft fairs whilst doing photography on the side. Here in London is where Pilly met her husband, documentary maker Adrian Cowell. They fell in love and married and soon after had a baby daughter called Boojie. Adrian was away a lot as he made documentaries in Brazil and America, mainly based on the hidden tribes of Brazil. Pilly often joined him to take photographs and on one expedition to the jungle, in an area called Xingu, Pilly conceived a beautiful son whom she called...Xingu (beat that Brooklyn Beckham)
So with Boojie and Xingu in tow, Adrian and Pilly bought this beautiful big house in Tufnell Park, right next to Tufnell Park Primary School, and where I was to spend so many happy days.
Tragedy struck for Pilly when Xingu was killed in a canoeing accident during professional competition in Austria. He was only eighteen. Pilly was distraught and said it was the love and support of friends around her that saved her life.
She continued to do Pottery and live half the time in London and half the time in the castle in Ireland with me and Anita staying with her as often as we could. She had this fabulous array of beautiful and glamorous friends with funny names and titles, lords and ladies, nieces and nephews and cousins. Everyone who Pilly knew seemed rosy cheeked and jolly and slightly mad! Including Micky, Pilly's brother who has a farm in Ireland, whom I absolutely adore. Eccentric all night dinner parties were something my sister and I became quite used to! At one of them you had the head of Channel 4 having a full blown debate with Toothless Joe the builder from down the road. Life at Pilly's was never dull. She always had an abundance of Dogs and Cats, at one stage having 8 dogs; Bibo, Axel, Rosie, Rags, Bobby, Pepsi, Pingu and Scruffy. Not to mention all the others along the years Paddywack, Paddy, Cally... Too many to remember!!
She always had a roaring fire place, beautiful food on the go in the Aga in her large jungle like kitchen due to all the plants, and she always, always had lashings of vodka and tonic!! Someone commented at Pilly's funeral that he's never been to a house where so many unannounced guests popped in during the day, and they were all welcomed with a drink, a bowl of spaghetti and a wise old chat (peppered with filthy jokes and a very cheeky sense of humour) round the fire place.

She was quite simply one a kind, she drove round London in a battered Morris Minor with dogs in the back and a camera in her pocket, a long silk scarf round her neck blowing in the wind. And that is how I will always remember her.
The woman who let me and Anita live with her aged 16 because we could not live with our mother who was battling alcoholism after the death of her husband, and again at 22 when I broke up with a boyfriend with whom I shared a flat with! the woman who taught us that life is fun, spontaneous, sometimes sad but worth it. The woman who after a few vodkas used to fall over her dogs and belly laugh whilst I carried her to bed (very difficult when your laughing so much yourself) the woman who's laugh I will never ever forget and who I miss so so much.

The woman who I owe everything to and made me the person I am today.

Such a special person who I can never replace.
Goodbye Pilly. Xxxxx

And it all came falling down.

I think the last time we spoke, myself, Mike and Jacob were getting ready to set off on an adventure to Wiltshire, to help set up and run a Pub/B&B. Full of the unknown but excited at a fresh start in the fresh air.

How wrong we were.

Within days of arriving at this place (which is owned by a very well known successful brewery, so we had no reason to doubt it's credentials) we began to realise that all is not what it seemed. Firstly our accommodation wasn't ready and looked far from ever being ready! Then there was the fact the pub looked like a dumping ground and no where near ready for opening! Eeek.
Still, we rolled up our sleeves and got stuck into this 'challenge!' *cough*

I don't want to bore you all, but basically within a month horrendous events started to unfold, we found out (detective work by myself) that the project manager was a very unsavoury character indeed. I won't go into to much detail but he was basically somebody you wouldn't want anywhere near your children (which thankfully he wasn't.)
This messed with our heads and to be honest from that moment onwards I knew I couldn't stay. Even though he'd been sacked (the day I found a newspaper article detailing his criminal past I reported it to the brewery - he basically had to declare himself if he worked around children, which he did not do) I was told he may return to collect belongings etc.
We then got told if we wanted our accommodation ready we'd have to do it up ourselves (holes in floorboards, walls etc...dead mice everywhere etc) and we were spoken to with complete and utter disregard when expressed the welfare of our child in that accommodation. We were basically spoken to like shit.
And the final straw during all of this was poor Jacob had been suffering from an all over painful rash, that 4 doctors (at the local surgery and in the hospital in Bath) could just not diagnose! I was beginning to think Jacob was allergic to the place.
Realistically it could have been the water, but I can't help think it was a sign, a sign to get out as soon as possible. So we did.

We are now in Bristol trying to rebuild our lives, and looking for jobs and viewing houses. Ideally we'd like to return to London as my partner has more chance of work there. Plus I would like to return to my beloved Streatham/Balham.
I'm not going to lie, we are bruised by it all, the unsavoury people we met, the way we were treated by the owners. All in all we've come out of it a little rattled and less trusting.

And all for trying to make a better lives for ourselves.

I look back at 'The Crown' saga and wonder where it all went wrong. The place itself had a weird eerie vibe that I felt uncomfortable in from day one. Maybe someone or something was trying to tell us to go from day one.
Anyway, we took a risk and it failed. The thing that upsets me the most is how it has impacted Jacob, as he is now disrupted and out of his routine.
Although, since leaving he is completely rash- free!

I have learnt, as an adult with a child, it is not acceptable to take the same risks with jobs, homes and solid stability as you did when you were sans kid, which I guess should have been a no-brainer really.

In a month, I'll hopefully be walking the dog round Tooting Common getting ready for Christmas and laughing at what a complete nightmare it all was.

Wish us luck!

Jacob's first steps; The beginning....

Last week Jacob took his first little foot steps! Mike and I were literally blown away and so proud of our little man. Every day since we have been practising and he's getting more confident and steadier on his feet.

It's such an amazing time in his life, he's saying full words, trying to spell his name (jayyyy, seeeeee, ooooohhhh, beeeee not always in the correct order!) turning one this month and now walking.

I'm fully aware that once he starts walking my days of sitting on my butt eating Pringles and playing with him and his toys are over. Now I'll be sprinting around all over the place making sure he's not up to mischief and desperately wishing I had eyes in the back of my head.

I always used to think that slim ladies who proclaimed to be skinny because 'they are running around after a toddler all day' were telling fibs, but now I totally get it and actually lost half a stone when Jake started crawling.

And as I watch him this week, climbing and trying and getting there slowly but surely, I'm fully aware of one thing.....

A tornado is coming.

Parents v The rest of The World

The other day I posted this comment (photographed) on an online parenting forum discussing the infamous 'Crying Baby in a Plane' debate. One lady had stated that it was 'unfair' on fellow passengers to bring our children onto flights especially long haul. I received in all 46 'likes' for the post, but considering it was a parenting forum , it was parents (who therefor could sympathise!) who were mainly reading.

It was when I posted on Facebook that the shit hit the fan. Having not that many 'mummy' friends on FB due to being the first of my group to enter motherhood I was shocked by some of the venom I received from my so called 'mates'!
One guy who I have known for quite a few years and is a mutual friend to one of my best friends made it clear that it wasn't our children that people were annoyed by on planes, it was us, the parents for being so bloody selfish in bringing them on a plane in the first place (a tube of pain, he called it) and that how dare people have to suffer all because us parents feel the need to "get away" He basically said I was a terrible mother for wanting to go on holiday.

Anyway, the argument escalated, my partner got involved, it got silly and personal until I ended up deleting the whole stupid thing (I only really posted it to show off my 38 likes I had at the time, fickle? Yup!) but it really upset me and just confirmed how sick I am of being made to feel like Satan's daughter whenever I get on to the bus with a pram, try to sit in a busy cafe with a pram, get tutted at in shops if my pram gets in the way.

Why am I constantly apologising for being in the way!? FUCK OFF!
Maybe it's just London in summer, it's overcrowded, hot and stuffy and people have very little respect for one another. And that's fine, but I really do feel that the old fashioned value of respecting women and children has gone, truly gone. Children are treated like dogs. Mums are treated like pests. Trust me I've worked in the hospitality industry long enough to know for a fact that groups of mothers & babies are most cafes and restaurants worst nightmare.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want special treatment, I was a single gal about town once y'know I know the drill! And the world doesn't revolve around you just cos you've had a kid. I just want to stop being tutted at please!

Are us parents really so annoying? And can we really be deemed selfish for wanting to go on holiday? Last time I checked taking your child on a lovely holiday, visit grandparents etc.. Wasn't considered bad parenting?!
Anyhoo, I got an apology in the end.

Thanks.

Nursery Guilt....

So, in a months time shortly after Jacob's first birthday, he will be attending nursery two days a week. We viewed the place, Snapdragons in Corsham, Wilts, yesterday and it was a lovely nursery. The staff were warm, enthusiastic and friendly and the place had a lovely, colourful, happy feel about it, I guess I'll be registering him asap.
On the way home I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty, and scared. Am I being ridiculous? I know it's not an uncommon sight to see mums and dads shedding a tear after dropping their little ones at nursery for the first time, but is Jacob just a little too young?
Urgh. It's 2 days a week! I think I'm probably being a bit hard on myself here. He'll probably have a great time and won't even notice I've gone, and an even sillier part of me thinks maybe he'll enjoy being away from me because I'm boring and tired all the time, and his stupid dog is continually eating his toys etc etc and as soon as he can talk, he'll be begging me to go full time!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! :) L x

Country Bumpkin!!!

Well, it seems Mike and I have officially lost the plot... We've decided (after a lot of thought) to take on a restaurant/bar/guest-house in the Wiltshire countryside! We are leaving London, baby!

The Crown Inn is a 15th century old coaching inn about 25 mins drive from the ridiculously beautiful Bath. It's just been done up all nice and fancy and that..and it has eight charming guest-rooms. There is a cottage right next too that we shall live in and a nursery up the road for Jacob! It really is amazeballs.

As much as I love London, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of waiting for buses (and then not being able to get on because there's two prams on already) I'm sick of having no money because everything we earn goes on extortionate rent/council tax. And mostly I think I'm just sick of walking around a city I no longer feel a part of. I've been off work now for over a year and as much as I've enjoyed lovely walks with Jacob and the mutt (I'll tell you more about that little shit another day) there's something about being a mother with a pram walking around on your own all day that just makes you feel so excluded from all the hustle and bustle of excitement that living in London should offer. And I know, I could get a job here and re-join but that's where ridiculously expensive child care issues come into play!

So I think it's far to say I'm looking forward to a new challenge, getting my hands dirty, using my BRAIN! And although I'll be limited to doing emails and reservations/paperwork etc in the evening, it's a START and I can't wait!!!

Plus I just bought a Barbour, and can finally wear my pink wellies!! ;D

Meet Jacob.....

This little munchkin here is my Jacob. I will no doubt be blogging a lot about this little bundle of joy and mayhem! He is already turning into the most funny, wonderfully knowing and affectionate young boy and he's only a month shy of his 1st Birthday. He's smart, he can outwit you and my god for one so young he has the attitude already! His turning one is approaching fast, and I feel slightly petrified at the prospect of my baby becoming a toddler. They tell you it goes fast, but I don't think you can ever be mentally prepared for how fast it REALLY does go. It only seems like yesterday (I know it's a cliche but motherhood is full of 'em!) that I was lying in hospital with this little thing gazing up at me, big eyes, so aware, so alert (unlike myself after 16 hours of labour ending in c section) it was so exciting, but terrifying! When we got home I remember sitting watching Eastenders, breast pump on (he didn't latch) boobs leaking every where as I desperately tried to express enough for his night feeds, I burst into full on melodramatic, bogey sobs with the overwhelming exhaustion of it all.

But yet I miss those days.

When we were weaning and the poor sod couldn't eat a bit of toast without me eyeballing him and having 999 typed into the phone (just in case).
One day, he decided to have a little cough whilst he was eating (as you do) I jumped up, making a noise that resembled a mating fox, stuck a finger in his mouth and dragged the toast out kicking and screaming! I'm surprised I didn't put him off food, or at least toast, for life.

But again, I really miss those days.

I think I know now that it is time for me to look ahead, we still have so many milestones, so many things to learn from each other and moments that will tie us together. We will grow TOGETHER and for that I'am truly excited.

So on his big day I won't cry, I WILL not cry!! But I won't be throwing away his steriliser just yet. I will keep it as an act of defiance. And as a reminder of that breathtaking, excruciating, exhilarating and simply wonderful, first year.

With my wonderful, Jacob.

Inspired a generation?...I think so.

Today is an all day CBeebies and lots of tea marathon, after staying up late to watch the Olympics Closing Ceremony last night. Along with millions of people worldwide I watched in awe at this fantastic display of all things GB! And loved every minute of it. From the Spice Girls, to Muse, hilarious Russell Brand adding the hedonistic hippy 60's vibe, to the absolutely heart achingly beautiful performance from an incredibly strong man, Gary Barlow. I wanted to cry, but didn't. If he can stay strong singing such a beautiful poignant song so soon after the loss of his baby girl, then so can we. We owe him that.

These last few weeks we have seen hope, glory, tears and pure pride. I cannot fathom why there has been such negativity towards such a positive event being held in our city (the finances aside please.) I had a debate with a friend on Facebook the other day because he declared "I find it funny and pathetic how people who were never interested in sports claim to love it now"

WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH THAT?
At some point in a person's life they have seen something that inspires them to be who they want to be, or a new hobby or interest. I wasn't the slightest bit interest in cookery until I met my chef OH, I now spend hours watching cookery programmes and reading recipes. You embrace what's in front of you surely? Jessica Ennis and her fellow Team GB competitors may not have become medal winning athletes had they not watched the Olympics as children. Maybe. The point is, these games have indeed inspired a generation, and so much more.

The Olympics Closing Ceremony

Excited! Vino in hand.... Woooooooo hoooo!