There has been a lot of talk about C Sections on Twitter lately, Kirstie Allsop, domestic goddess and TV personality, recently wrote a badly received tweet regarding the NCT and how it's possible they deliberately fail mothers-to-be who wish to have a C section by not installing them with enough information during their classes, and therefore making mums who have had emergency c sections, feel guilty that they did not deliver the 'right' way. I really like Kirstie and I accept that she was speaking on behalf of many women who had contacted her with issues they had experienced with the NCT. She did go on to say that she fully supports many of the things that NCT do, just that their are a few causes for concern that need to be addressed within the child birth charity and rightfully so.
My lovely midwife Amy had urged me to go the NHS run ante natal classes being held by her and her equally lovely midwifery team (Valley Team, St Thomas's - got nothing but praise for these fantastic ladies) which I enjoyed and found to be informative and free of judgement (although perhaps the encouragement of a home birth was fairly OTT at times) so having not attended NCT, I can't say whether this is true or not. What I can say having seen so many different sides of the debate recently (I follow hundreds of mums on Twitter) is that there seems to be this vibe around emergency C Sectioners, this feeling that we all feel guilty and hard done by and misinformed and that perhaps if we'd been given more advice our c section would never of happened?
This just simply isn't true.
I can wholeheartedly say that I do not and will never ever feel guilty for having a c section, nor do I feel bitter or jealousy and resentment for those who have natural births. If anything I feel happy and relieved that we have an alternative safe method of delivery that is quick and efficient, if our babies are having trouble coming into the world on their own.
On the 25th September 2011 at 5.00pm I was fully dilated and ready to push, I had been induced and had an epidural (an induced labour comes on so quick and intense that I was literally swept off my feet with the pain) and apart from having a long wait until I had fully dilated, I was happy, content with everything so far and ready to give it my all in the crucial moment. Unfortunately after an hour and 15 minutes and no epidural top ups, I was left in agony, beyond exhausted with still no baby delivered, Amy went and fetched the doctor who declared I needed a c section and fast. At 6.30, Jacob was born, I was exhausted and my shoulder was hurting badly (still have no idea why) but I just remember the absolute feeling of sheer relief and not giving a flying hoot at how he got here, I was just really glad that he WAS here! I bonded with my son immediately (contrary to people believing it is more difficult to bond with your child after a c section, maybe it is for some people but no problems here) yes, we did have difficulty breast feeding, Jacob wouldn't latch, so I expressed, with my hands in the hospital and with a pump at home. Would this have happened anyway, who knows? I was told to go along to the local milk cafe where help and support would be available to establish proper breast feeding, call me daft but the though of going to a cafe and trying to feed a screaming hungry child who would not feed from me, in front of other women, had very little appeal to me. Although I never once felt judged by Amy at my decision to keep expressing. I don't feel Jacob and I have bonded less then women and their babies who breastfed and anyone who says any different can fuck off quite frankly. He is my absolute life. It's like saying women who practise Controlled Crying love their babies less than women who don't. Absolutely ridiculous.
So having a c section changed my experience of birth, but only the end bit, only that ten minutes at the end when he was delivered. Everything until then had been as it would have been had he arrived naturally, the pain before the epidural, the agonising pain after the epidural wore off. I felt it, I know how it feels, I have missed nothing other than the feeling of delivery. And do you know what, I'm really okay with that! But is it okay? Should I feel guilty? I almost feel guilty for not feeling guilty! The fact is I'm quite pleased I didn't have to have stitches down below, and everyone one of my friends who have had a c section all say the same thing, with a wink. And why not.
After having a T incision ( an internal incision as well as the normal one because Jacob was quite far down the birth canal) I've been told I won't be able to give birth naturally, and that's fine too. I'm at peace with that, I can choose the birthdays of my future children and prepare and organise those last few days of pregnancy before hurricane newborn gets home.
And when I bring my future darling babies born by c section home from hospital, I STILL won't feel guilty. And I certainly won't be feeling jealous of those who had natural births, as I wouldn't expect them to feel jealous of me and my 'cushy' c section.
I'm not ashamed of what my body didn't do, I'm too in awe with what it did.
Posts
