I'm back!

Four months have flown by since I "quit" my blog, and I have to say I've really missed it! I was never really honest about why I quit it but there were two main reasons. The first one was that I felt like I was becoming a cliche, all of the other mummy blogs I was reading via Twitter were just saying the same things over and over, nothing new was being written by any of us. I was also beginning to find the mother blogging world a bit sickly sweet, I mean it's brilliant to praise and encourage each other but I felt that people were writing really boring and mediocre posts but getting their arses well and truly licked with excruciatingly OTT comments! This mama blogging community is a clique one, and even if your shite you'll get support cos they all know each other. 

And the second one being that I wanted to write as honestly about my life as I could, but felt that people may get hurt or offended by what I really wanted to write about! friends & family etc...and quite frankly I don't need that on my conscience. 

However, things have changed massively since then, I'm now back to work for around 30 hours a week, I've found a little of my sparkle back, I no longer give a shit about being "better" than anyone else or competing or generally what other people think anymore. This is my blog and I will write what the hell I want, when I want. I'll be honest and tell you I had a massive 'mummy' cull on twitter too, I embraced anything mummified when Jacob was a newborn but he's 2 now and I feel like I'm ready to find a bit of me back now. I'm still following lots of mums, dads and blogs, but they are enlightening, interesting, cool and a bit more, well...real.

In the 6 months since we've moved to West London , I've gained more confidence, lost nearly a stone, and feel more like myself for the first time in two years, I've made awesome new friends, worked my ass off and gained a ton of new found self worth. 

I'm really excited about this Christmas too! I adore our new place and really feel like Christmas here is going to be our best yet! I'm also totally excited for what 2014 will bring 💋

Motherisms that annoy me!

So there was an article doing the rounds on twitter recently about motherisms and stay at home mums. The usual bollocks such as SAHM's are being seen as lazy, vacant and dowdy, and that Working mums are non maternal and passing the buck at raising our future generation. Blah blah blah, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Anyways, since everybody has an opinion on "Motherisms" I've decided to share mine, my pet hates that us Parents say and do, and why...;

1) Alesha Dixon have birth recently to a beautiful baby girl Azure Sienna, when asked if fellow judge and mother Amanda Holden had given her any motherly advice Alesha said "Amanda has told me the key is to let the baby fit around your life, not you around the baby's" 

This literally made me clench my fists and      scream rage at the ceiling, really?? Really??? I just hate this. Sorry but you've chosen to have children therefore you should fit around them and make adjustments to your lifestyle to fit their needs. I can't imagine Alesha saying "Sorry, Azura babe but I go to gym at 9am on a Monday I don't give a fuck if your hungry, pipe down and just fit in will you?" Clearly, you can't do certain things as you used too and clearly times will be scheduled differently when you have a baby, as any mother knows. Amanda is talking out of her arse. As always. 

2) This one is slightly controversial and I truly don't mean any offence, but has anyone ever said "After paying child care costs, I'm no better off from going to work, I just prefer it to sitting at home all day"

Now, even though I can see the appeal of this but genuinely the thought of going to work, even though I'm no better of financially just leaves me feeling a bit cold & confused? Without being rude, if the thought of spending long amounts of time with your child terrifies you, why did you have them?

If it pays financially, then of course, it's not cheap having a family and every penny matters. If you need some me time and to "challenge" yourself, work part time and then spend the rest of the time raising your children and appreciating the time with them that goes all too fast anyway. Parents that say "oh I can't do the whole mother groups and peppa pig thing" just irritate the hell out of me.

3rd) Sorry, not going to like this either (but to those mums who think they are keeping small coffee shops/pubs in business with your one latte a week and whole lot of tap water custom, your truly not. Sorry. Taking up a whole lot of space for 3 hours with prams and babies and buying one latte for the whole duration isn't helping anyone. I sat aghast one morning when I went to a coffee group where only two women (including me) bought a coffee, the ringleader mum then demanded from the manager that he brought over huge jugs of tap water for us all, we had taken up six big tables that could have been used for lunch service. Is that fair?

 What you can do is go back at the weekend with your family and friends and spend money on lunches and dinners, that would be keeping the business's going. I know it sounds harsh but I've worked in hospitality a long time and I've seen the affect it can have. People generally repel going to busy mum cafés and the cafés don't make much from the mums, it's a vicious circle.

I battled with adding this one as I didn't want to offend all the lovely parents out there that actually support their local business's but I'm sick of hearing mums and actually any customer being rude and snooty saying "we pay your wages" when in fact sometimes it's the opposite.

Okay, enough ranting. 

Goodbye Blog.

So, I've been blogging for well over a year now, and I've loved it. It's been like a little diary to post thoughts and photos etc....

Maybe one day I'll come back to it but for now, I'll no longer be writing this blog anymore.

There's a lot I competition in this blogging biz and I simply can't keep up! :) the truth is I was beginning to feel uneasy with how much I was sharing and if I can't write honestly and openly, there's no point in writing at all. 

Ciao.

Mwah xxxx

A Dream holiday!

I have really been looking forward to writing this post! A) because I've not written in forever and B) because I have been back in London just over 24 hours and I have already broke the Hoover/been locked in/stubbed my toe/cried at X Factor/and ordered a domino's takeaway (I am revolting). A trip down memory lane, or at least the last 2 weeks are definitely in order!

Firstly, I was dreading this trip a little bit, I was absolutely excited to see the family, and of course, America but the truth is I absolutely hate flying! I have quite a fear and a couple of days before I get very tetchy, anxious and suffer really bad nightmares, thankfully our flight from London to Newark and then Newark to Orlando went without hitch. Jacob, as per usual fell asleep as we took off and was snoring away before we'd even hit 35,000ft. There is a God.

Arriving in Orlando was extra exciting as we were meeting Mike's sister, her husband and their two kids Madison & Ben at the airport (they had flown in from Aus via LA) so it was all hugs and excited faces galore as we all shared a mini van to our apartment in Kissimee, FL.

The plan was to spend the first week doing Disney resorts in Orlando Mon-Fri before going on a Disney Cruise on the Saturday for 4 nights. Mike and I were apprehensive about so much Disney! But we were excited for the kids and looking forward to it nonetheless (little did we know we'd get well and truly won over) On the very first day we hit Disney's Magic Kingdom, seeing the castle was definitely a pivotal moment! I plucked up the courage and brushed aside my fear of heights and fast moving objects to go on some of the rides, I did Space mountain, Splash mountain, and Big Thunder mountain railroad! (Never will I share the photos taken of me on those rides!) We also went on some of the kiddie rides and a definite highlight was Its a Small World and Under the Sea - Ariels Journey which takes you through a magical, colourful journey (literally, your sat on a little train or in Under The Sea's case, a seashell) with songs and dancing and visuals so stunning and theatrical its amazing. Magic Kingdom is the centre of all the Disneyworld's resorts and very very good for all ages, the Buzz Lightyear ride was also a highlight and The Mickey mouse philharmonic in 3D is a stunning show!  The next day was Animal Kingdom where we saw a The Lion King show which gave us goosebumps, Jacob absolutely loved it too and was dancing and singing and clapping, this was definitely a highlight and something we'll never ever forget. We went on Expedition Everest which was quite possibly the scariest roller coaster I've ever been on (bear in mind I'm a huge wimp!) and also went on a Kilimanjaro safari which was brilliant, Jacob specifically loved seeing the Elephants and Rhinos (which he called Dinosaurs) all in all, another perfect day. 

The third day was Disney's Blizzard Beach water park which was by far my favourite day of all, it was the day to relax, swim, go on water slides and generally just cool down and sunbathe. The day after was Universal Studios, we enjoyed a fun little Blues Brothers show on a New York street set and the Transformers 3D ride was unbeliveable but generally this was for the older kids and Jacob was beginning to get irritable and tired. Once we'd got back to our lovely apartment and had a quick swim in the pool which instantly cheered Jacob up, Mike and I decided that the previous days had probably been too much for Jacob, early starts, very hot stuffy weather and long queues to get on to the rides had taken its toll. We decided to give Hollywoods studios planned for the next day, a miss. 

After a lovely day sleeping and swimming we were all relaxed and ready for Friday's adventure at Epcot, which was great and definitely worth a visit despite not being as "Disney" as the other theme parks! The highlight here was exploring the World Showcase which was little pockets of different countries, from an Oktoberfest beer tent in 'Germany' to belly dancing in 'Morocco' we ended up having dinner in a pub in 'England' called the Rose & Crown! The day was rounded up nicely with a glass of red wine and a beautiful fire works display.

All in all the Disneyworld resorts are truly out of this world, they are efficient, very clean and well organised. The characters walking around are fantastic and gives the kids plenty of chance to meet Micky & Co, and the parades are so much fun they make you feel like your in your very own Disney film! In hindsight though, I wouldnt recommend Disney for under 3's unless they have older siblings who will get the most out of being there! Having said that Jacob, Ben & Madison had an absolute blast, as did us adults! Tip: BRING SUNSCREEN.

 The next stop was our Disney cruise around The Bahamas for 4 nights. I honestly don't know where to start with this one. It was just simply MAGICAL. 

The Disney Dream ship is the most incredible ship, with a massive decking area with pools, slides, basket ball courts, mini golf, a salon and spa, theatres, clubs, restaurants, the lot. My mind was blown. Our cabin was beautifully decorated, and immaculate, with a personal assigned housekeeper who was at your service whenever you needed. Every time we stepped in our cabin she had left chocolate treats on our pillows or animal shaped towels for Jacob, the personal touches were just lovely. The same has to be said for the service staff too, you are assigned the same two servers for the whole four days,by the end of day two they feel like friends! They will bring your favourite drink without you even having to ask. Ours were called Daki and Ritesh and I honestly wanted to bring them home with me! (Not like that you dirty buggers!)

We simply had four unbelievable days sunbathing on some of the most beautiful Islands in the world, cocktails, swimming in green seas, eating beautiful food on the ships stunning 3 restaurant, parties on deck (Pirates of The Carribean party was a definite highlight! 3,000 people dressed as pirates and incredible fireworks at sea!) theatre shows, and evening drinks (& tequila!) at the adult only side of the boat with Mike (whilst Mike's mum Liliane kindly babysat!) I also got my hair coloured and conditioned and had a fabulous massage and facial in the ships salon! for someone who never really spoils herself, this was bliss. 

I would go back tomorrow, in an instant and happily spend another 5 weeks on this beautiful ship! 

So, after 4 nights and with the high shrills of Mickey shouting "See Ya Real Soon" ringing in our ears it was time for Mike and I to say goodbye to his family and Disney! and make our way to New York for one final night in America before coming home. 

Well, what a contrast! Disney, New York is not! I was blown away by how loud, bright and fierce New York is, it was everything I expected it to be and more. We shopped, did some sights, had pickles and Reuben's at Katz deli. We also went and had a coffee with the hipsters at Stumptown at the Ace Hotel 20 W 29th st (extremely recommended) SoHo was also a massive highlight!

Alas, we had to get home and after cramming all of the above in one day we had to get to Newark airport for our evening flight home. Sad to leave and with big grand plans of coming back to New York soon we arrived home exhausted but  having had the holiday of a lifetime.

 

Highlights: The Lion king show at Animal Kingdom, the Disney Dream cruise, Bahamas Castaway Cay Island and Stumptown NYC. A hilarious waiter called Carlton.

Not so highlights: dodgy cab drivers, being ripped off (I might be a tourist but I have a brain) The lack of things to do for under 3's at Disneys resorts.

And now, its back to reality! x

Patience.

4 weeks ago Jacob fractured his leg when a little girl pushed him over on a bouncy castle. 4 weeks later and he is still not walking, not confident on his legs at all, he can do a small distance holding my hand but that is it.

I am shattered. I am so upset for him. I know it's only a fractured leg, it could have been a lot worse, but seeing your child, who has only been walking for less than a year, suddenly become unable again, is breaking me in two. I honesty don't know how long this is going to take. It could take another week, or another month? I've got to stay positive and be patient but god I'm finding it hard today!

The plaster came off last Thursday, it's now Monday and he's still crying if I ask him to have a little walk with me. We have another follow up appointment tomorrow, and the absolute worst that can happen is they put him back in plaster. 

Fingers crossed for us x

Everything's rosy.

"Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford"

Innit, Samuel.

We are HOME! Last Friday we arrived and its been a pretty god damn awesome week so far. We're all moved in and settled in the new house in Ealing, loving the area, the house, our mates in the area have been fab; helping us collect or stuff from storage etc..We feel as though we have been here forever, and more importantly we feel so at home here. This was definitely where we were meant to end up. At the moment I can say we made the right decision to come home, it's early days but I believe in my heart this was what we needed, and although there are a lot of things I'll miss about Australia (it's really quite comforting seeing family 24/7) I know that home is indeed, where the heart is.

I don't want to sound patronising but I wasn't ready to let London go yet, I've got unfinished business with you sonny jim! I'm looking at Nurseries in the area, and job hunting for a long term career change! ;) Mike loves his job at Caravan and he has weekends off for the first summer in a long long time, Jacob is on top form despite his fractured leg, he's got over a week left in the plaster and then he's free. I honestly can't wait to see my baby run again, it's the little things you take for granted.

Bizarrely this little pocket of happiness comes nearly one year after our lives were turned upside down, it's taken a full year to recover and their have been many tears, self doubt, and even the thought that I'd be better off alone and being single, that I can fend for my self and Jacob without the need for anyone else. Life has been hard, and when life gets hard I self pity, I ask why me? Why now? Why my luck? Why why why. The thing is life is hard for everyone, not just me, I've always been a tough cookie but was slowly getting into the habit of blaming everybody and everything but myself, I turned into the kind of person I normally loathe. Now, I make decisions, I deal with the consequences, I fight for what I believe in and I trust my instincts (please always, always trust your instincts!) I'm also pledging to let the people around me in a bit more, to not shut people out and blame. 

My goodness what a year! I have learnt so much and I hope I've changed for the better. Everything is still now, everything is calm, and I'm sure as hell just going to enjoy that feeling for a while!

x

AWOL.

I have not blogged for a few weeks, or tweeted much (apart from a load of old shit and retweets) I honestly have nothing to say for myself right now, nothing interesting, nothing from the heart. Just nothing.

I'm still house hunting, still in Australia, enjoying it but a bit numb. When stripped of all the people you love and all the places you like to go to, it leaves you open and bare....and empty. I just feel empty. I feel like a massive tree stripped of its leaves, it's there, you can see it but the leaves are gone - the things that make it voluptuous and colourful, the things that breeze in the wind.

I guess I'm lonely. I'm fed up, I love being in Australia but I need my fix of ME. My friends, my family, what I enjoy. I know I sound selfish and I really don't mean too. I feel such sadness that mike doesn't get to live with his family, and that Jacob misses out on his other family, but I'm just not one of those people that can do it. I'm too weak.

I'm sure I'll perk up once we're on our way home, and we have a fab holiday to America coming up. Jacob is thriving and making me smile everyday, and for that I'm truly grateful.

Kate Winslet v Trolls.

Kate Winslet announced her third pregnancy this week, with her third husband......*everybody gasps*

*except me*

Seriously, the comments I have seen on twitter, Facebook (not that I give an arse about what people on Facebook think) and online forums, anyone would think she's announced her third child with her brother!

Disgusting, slag, 3x3, chav, gross with no morals...the list of charming names being spewed out by some seriously ignorant and sad people, is endless. Is it really so bad in this day and age to have three children by three fathers, she married them so surely that counts for something? Is it really that reckless and irresponsible to warrant the abuse and self righteous opinions that people are throwing at her?
Let me tell you a story,
Once upon a time a beautiful young woman with golden blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes met a young man at work, they fell in love and had a bouncing baby boy, it appeared over time that the young man had mental health issues, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, he battled so deeply, and when he couldn't take it anymore he walked up to Archway Bridge and jumped off and killed himself.
Distressed and alone, the young woman tried to rebuild her life with her baby boy and after some time had passed met another young man, and fell in love, together they had lovely twin daughters! The woman was so blissful and happy, after everything that had happened, she had a future to look forward too.
That was until the twins father decided he could no longer cope with being a parent, he had met a new woman at work and wanted to be with her, so off he went, without a second glance, leaving the twins, leaving the mother, never to be heard of again for over twenty years.
So on the beautiful blonde woman went, three kids, 2 fathers gone and a bleak future ahead.
That is until 6 years later she met the man that was to be her husband, a kind, caring loyal man, whom she had a little girl with, her fourth and final child, 4th child, 3rd father (the twins, remember - keep up)
Until he died. Killed in a car accident. He died and she was alone with four children, and she remained alone for the rest of their childhood because she could bear no more pain and trauma. Four kids, three fathers, all gone. Through no fault of her own. Alone.

The blonde woman is my mother, and the above is all true.

I know that this differs to Kate Winslet's scenario, after all she is divorced not widowed. The point is, life is out of our hands, we rarely get to choose how life will pan out for ourselves. Sometimes things just happen and you have to deal with it the best way you know how. Things end and you find hope with new beginnings, and hell sometimes they end too. It's easy to become disheartened.

Clearly Kate doesn't, clearly she believes she will get her fairy tale ending, and why the hell shouldn't she. We all deserve to be happy don't we? After a certain amount of break ups should we just shut ourselves down, declare shop closed, and never seek for happiness with another person for as long as we shall live?

I seriously hope not.

Just call me Nigella!..

Despite the fact that I'm staying in a very Beautiful house and in a very Beautiful country, due to not being able to drive and Canberra being very spread out, I'm a tad bored at the moment. There's only so many times I can walk to the Dinosaur Museum and back, so.. I've been BAKING! Anyone that knows me knows that this is a long and painful process (before I met my Chef boyfriend, I couldn't even cook pasta properly, or an egg!) but I am getting there, and actually getting to be rather good(Ish)

In the last three weeks I've made cakes, cookies, brownies, and today's effort, Banana Bread!

Banana and Sultana Bread

                                                           

Marshmallow, Chocolate and Jam Cake.

                                                  

Mike's Birthday Malteaser Cake!

Apart from Baking, I've also taken up Golf watching. Mike's parents basically live on a golf course, and from the bay windows of the front room where Jacob and I sit and have breakfast and lunch, you can see all the golfers in their funky outfits! (Mike's mum's been known to wave at them in her nightie! ha!) and actually I've began to find it quite soothing, its like constantly having guests, all day. I can hear the buggy's and the chatter and the whacking of the balls. After 4pm when there's no risk of being brained by a golf ball, Jacob and I go out there and look for the Kangaroo's who live in the wild on the course (or Flangeroo's as Jake calls them)

The view onto the golf course, very early in the morning

 

 

 

 

Jacob looking for Flangaroos

So that's us, that's what we're doing at the moment (or at least until Mike's parents get back and I get lifts again!) Although we are heading to Sydney this weekend to stay with friends, visit markets, do the sights and have a drink or fifteen, so I am ridiculously excited.

If anyone's got any good recipes especially for toddlers, do share with me!

Babies; what comes next??

....and then there were three..

Mike's parents (and lovely hosts) have gone away for three whole weeks, leaving us the house to ourselves! considering we've barely had any time together during the last month and a half, this is most welcome!

As much as I enjoy having them around, and I actually really do (we bake, talk, go shopping, go for coffee etc - there's a lot to be said for hanging around retired folk! they're never to busy for you) I'd almost forgotten what its like to live as the three of us. So far its been bliss, I'm going through recipes, planning our return to London (my Dad and sister are viewing a house for us on Wednesday....eeeek!excited!) and I can watch all the episodes of Made In Chelsea I want! *que evil laughter*
However, as much as this lazing around is lovely, I've also been getting my walk on too, which has resulted in losing a few lbs, I've also been arranging to get back into part time work for our return to the great city. I definitely think its time and I really, really do miss working now. With no plans to have another brat (Oops I meant baby...naughty typos, aherm) within the next few years, I would really like to get on some sort of career track, the problem is I don't know what!
Over the years, I've done all sorts. I left home at sixteen and pretty much went straight into hospitality, my first bar job being in Liverpool (first love/boyfriend was at Uni there) and then being transferred within the same brewery/company back to a London (when we broke up) The City Of London to be exact, I ended up working just off Fleet Street and then near St Pauls for around 5 years. Working in hospitality in the city for a long time is certainly an eye opener, I could tell you stories that would put hairs on your chest. Those naughty business folk.
By the time I was 22 I was running my own little Gastro pub in Clapham Common, then in Wiltshire, I loved it and was pretty good at it, I was good at managing people, good at events and marketing, I kept on top of the cash management and good stock control, and I had a bloody good time, meeting some of my dearest best friends along the way.
I then gave it all up for love (hospitality's not great for the relationship, long hours)and to travel to Australia with Mike to meet his family. On my return to London I dabbled with being a PA to the Director of a TV & film production company, I did really enjoy that until the low wages and the fact that the Director was deranged, with a penchant for throwing things at people, put me off.
I then sloped back to hospitality with my tail in between my legs and started working at a place in Fulham that taught ex servicemen how to become chefs and work within the hospitality industry (Mike and I worked on this together) A lot of these men were suffering from PTSD and other issues, so it was certainly a challenge but well worth it when you saw them progress and finish the course (which sadly not a lot did)

After a year, I got made redundant...on the same day I found out I was pregnant. I was swiftly hired by the lovely Sammy at Sammy Duders pottery shop in Clapham and spent probably one of the best summers of my life helping create baby hands and feet imprints in clay and ceramics whilst my belly grew bigger and bigger and I neared towards my due date.

That was almost two years ago, and bar the occasional shift at Mike's old café on New Kings Rd, I've not worked since..... So what should I do?
Hospitality hours don't work with children, try my hand at being a PA again? It's really scary being almost thirty with no solid career to fall back on. Has anyone changed career after having children and how?

I'm excited though, I feel like coming to Australia and having time out from the craziness of London has given me the reality check I needed and got me my mojo back! I know it sounds proper cheesy *passes vom bucket to you* but I really want to make Jacob as proud of me as I am of him.

 

 

 

Me and my munchkin.

 

 

 

My holiday romance.

I am having a holiday romance. We see each other every afternoon, It's my little escape from everybody else, it's a relaxing, so very calming and beautiful romance! My lover? A teeny tiny little village that goes by the name of Ginninnderra!
My god, if I could pocket this tiny little corner of the world and bring it home I would. It's a very old little hamlet that many, many years ago would have been the hub of the community - general store, a tiny old school house and other gorgeous little wooden shack houses with white porches and picket fences. At present it's a little tourist attraction, the school house is a quaint little cafe that sells afternoon tea and yummy fudge, the shack houses are boutique style shops selling gorgeous trinkets, bags, baby bits n bobs. There's an amazing little cupcake workshop that has this shabby chic coolness combined with old style granny home cooking charm, wooden tables stripped bare to their original woods and rickety little chairs painted pastel. There's an ice cream parlour with outside seating on its white panelled porch; the salted caramel ice cream is orgasmic! There's coffee shops, restaurants, surrounded by green trees and pebbled pathways. Much to Jacobs delight, in Ginninnderra, their is even a dinosaur museum! A wonderful independent family run place with the most incredible dinosaur display at the outside entrance.... Jacob is now OBSESSED with Dinosaurs, and runs around shouting 'irosooors' all day every day.



Luckily for us, the museum and the rest of the village is literally a five minute walk away, which is handy as I can't drive and everywhere else in Canberra is definitely not within walking distance. It's my one place where I can go and fully relax, when everyone else is at work and busy, Jacob and I will be up their having a babychinno and a banana muffin.

This place transports me back in time to a historic place where I can use my imagination. I love everything old, old churches, old towns, old houses.

Lush.

Decisions, decisions....

As you all probably know, mike, Jacob and I are all over in Australia at the moment. We are in Mike's hometown of Canberra and are quite frankly having a blast. It's a gorgeous, family - friendly, city, with lovely affordable, family homes, plenty of places for young kiddies, great malls, stylish shops/restaurants/cafes. We came over as we'd had a tough time of late in London. We came over to visit Mike's family, get our heads sorted and to see if we could ever call Canberra home.
I've been with Mike 5 years now and we have always discussed moving here when the time is right. I always said maybe when we have kids, which of course we now have, yet I have still decided that I'm not ready to move over. When I read over the first sentence of this post it's hard to get my head around why I'm not ready? It's perfect , what is there not to like?

The truth is, you cannot be where you do not see yourself being, you cannot force a move when your heart is not in it. How do you compromise when one of you wants to live somewhere and the other doesn't? The pressure on me has mounted so high that I am now backing away from it all, the disappointment in mike's family's faces.. the disdain, the look in their eyes saying "fine, go home, you'll be in a mess again within a few months and don't expect us to bail you out next time"
It's like this MASSIVE fat elephant in the room whenever we are all together and I just don't know how to explain why?

Because I love London, and it's people and its parks, and places and atmosphere and buzz. It's my home.
Because I love my sisters so much, and when its their turn to have babies, I want to be there standing next to them holding their hands and watching their children grow. Not having to communicate with family and friends via a whispered telephone call in the dead of the night due to time differences.
Because, even though Mike and I have been through a difficult patch financially, I want us to prove that we can get back on our feet. We've been blissfully happy in London before and I want to, need to prove to myself that I can do that again, that I don't need to rely on others to bail me out. I'm fiercely independent and do not need people looking over my shoulder and commenting on everything I do.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Am I stringing mike and his family along? I sure as hell hope not? Is it normal to be pressurised this much?
Who knows. All I do know is, London, I'll be seeing you on July 15th.

Battle of the High-streets

Being in Australia and all, it would be rude not to do a bit of shopping and check out what's hot & what's not down under.
With this being my 4th trip here I've already got my faves and a pretty good idea of what shops suit me best (style and fit!) 'Cotton On' is great for your basics - tee's, shorts, scarves, summer dresses, it's cheap n cheerful and has a great children's department too. 'Sportsgirl' is a bit like Topshop in that it caters for the young and is current and up to date with its catwalk copies & ok-ish prices (latest celebrity collaboration/collection by Whitney Port) 'Bardot' is sparkly party Saturday night outfits and 'Forever New' is a floaty, feminine, very pretty collection of dresses, skirts and pastel colours, with gorgeous accessories but on the pricier side.
Having said all that, I have often struggled to find clothes here and my unadventurous British side has often hankered for a straight forward H&M, Topshop or Gap!
Luckily for the Aussies, this is beginning to happen, with recent openings of Zara and Topshop Flagships in Melbourne (not Sydney surprisingly, 1-0 to Melbs) H&M and River Island making appearances and the nationwide openings of Gap. I do wonder with the arrival of these global retail giants, what will become of the Australian high street stores?
Other Australian brands include Supre, which I find too young for me (think Tammygirl) and Myer, which is one of their main department stores, and has a brilliant children's brand called Sprout.
They have Espirit, which we have too., and ASOS have developed an Aussie web too, which certainly opens up many shopping opportunities!

As much as I'm a creature of habit, I desperately need a dress for a party on Saturday night, so it's time to get shopping, Australian style!


                         Some of high-street brands/webs repping the UK (and other countries)

                              
 
                                            Some of the high-street brands repping Australia

                           
                                                                My beloved Cotton On!

I miss you, silly.

Tonight Jacob is sleeping in his very own bedroom. He hasn't done this since August when we moved to the countryside and then back to London and our lives became chaotic and ridiculous and we lived in 2 places in 4 months whilst we house hunted. As a result of the upheaval and the fact that I was drowning in guilt at him not having his own space, he slept with me and his Daddy, in order to make him feel secure and comfortable. And now we are in Australia and he has a lovely little room, with a proper little bed and a cute dinosaur duvet cover and just a WHOLE BEDROOM OF HIS OWN.
And I miss him, I can't sleep. I miss his breath on my face, and the smell of his hair, and his finger up my nostril and even the early morning boot in the ribs.

Waaaahhhh.

*2 hours after this post was written, Jacob was snoozing in our bed. Will try again soon!

Jetlagged

Day Two in Australia and that hazy, heavy fog is still hanging around, unwanted making me seriously grumpy, fuck off Jet Lag. I'm starving at 3am and have zero appetite at 6pm when everyone else is preparing for dinner, urgh.
Jacob has been a grump today too, like me, sleep deprivation hits him hard.
On a positive note, we went and watched Ben play his school league Basketball game today - Jacob absolutely loved it and was shouting from the bleachers like a little angry, chubby Coach, waving his arms, clapping and general nut case behaviour. Weather still good too (considering Australia is heading into Winter - its still mid twenties) We've got Madison's Basketball game to attend tomorrow and then it's a 2 hour drive to the coast to stay for a few days. On the exact half way point of the journey we stop off at this amazing little wood town of Broomwood for meat pies (best meat pies and lamingtons in Australia) its seriously like stepping back in time to a country and western town. So cute. So excited to be at the beach and will hopefully get some nice shots of Jacob.
...and maybe even a *real* tan!

Australia.

Sunshine, family and beaches.... That's really all it took to convince me to come on a 3 month holiday to Australia. Mike is from Canberra and has been dying to get back for years ..and I have to say it really doesn't disappoint.
The flight over was amazing, 12 hours first leg in which Jacob slept 10 hours, then a lovely little stop over in the humid and busy metropolis that is Kuala Lumpur. Had a great little mooch around the street markets and had some tasty local food. Nice.
Second flight of 8 hours was a bit more trying as he was awake for the majority, but still, we made it through..and I still managed to squeeze in a film, Les Miserables which is by the way, a-effing-mazing.
..Then we arrived! Australia, I love you. The sun is shining, I've been to the mall for flowers as its Mike's Gran's birthday do tonight, marvelled at the ridiculously amazing food halls they have in the shopping centres over here. We've been for a picnic at the lake, caught up with a friend for coffee, been to the park, and watched the (exotic) birds. Jacob has met up with his cousins and become completely infatuated with his older cousin Ben. I'm now sat in a lovely soft play centre surrounded by other mums and getting the low down on the kids activities in the area (lots, by the sounds of things)
We have lots lined up to do, a visit to Sydney, a camping trip, maybe some skiing at the snowy mountains, a trip to NSW coast this weekend which I'm beside myself with excitement about. Basically exactly what the doctor ordered after a shitty miserable last few months.
The world definitely seems brighter when the sun is out.

Off to the land down under

I've not posted for ages! I'm so sorry (to my two, and only two readers, Anita and Mike) you see I have been a busy bee, desperately house hunting constantly! Every house we have viewed and shook hands on have fallen through..the lovely little place with huuuge garden in Brockley, the sweet little basement pad in Crystal Palace, the idyllic little cottage in South Norwood. Every flipping one of them!
So after months of pissing about and staying with family, putting them out and boring them to death with our house viewing trials and tribulations, we've decided to go for a long holiday to Mike's homeland; Australia!
I've been loads as we used to visit mike's parents once a year (pre Jacob) and I absolutely love the place. It will be really nice to get away from all the stress and drama of the last few months and mike is able to restart work on our return, So, with no rental contract signed or kids at school now seems like the best time to go for a nice long holiday and introduce Jacob to all his Aussie relatives!

And whilst we're there we may even start to contemplate a permanent move sometime in the future.
Life in London has really knocked it out of me the last few months. House prices soar by the week and good jobs are becoming increasingly hard to find. I can't even contemplate going back to work because the cost of childcare would probably override my monthly salary. To put in bluntly, living off one salary when you have a family to support is shit. Mike did 76 hours last week and what do we have to show for all the hard work? Nothing. I'm increasingly learning in this country that it doesn't pay to be the hardworking family that isn't quite poor but are certainly not rich either, because mike earned more than £26,000 we were denied tax credits. Yet the man who robbed my mother and was arrested and put on probation, with the help of his probation officer, managed to get a council flat in a nice area of London with everything being paid for. Essentially, my mum, by being robbed by him, improved his life. Where the fuck is the justice in that?

I do really love London and the UK. There are many things that make me proud. Unfortunately I'm just slowly falling out of love with the place. Hopefully a nice long holiday will sort me out! After all, You can take the girl out of London....

All that is me.

Whilst clearing out my mums old house this weekend, I found this gorgeous piece of writing that I had written down when I was 17. I have no idea where I copied it from, I sure as hell know I didn't create it myself, but I'm so glad I found it. It is absolutely beautiful.

" All you accuse me of is right but you don't understand it. Sometime I will try and tell you. I respect your unrequited search after what is real and true, more than anything. When I did fall in love with you I didn't recognise it because it was a new feeling, I hope I never gave the impression your feelings were a burden on me? Now I look back on it, this was not so, they were the most real and joyful part of my existence.
Sometimes on the most desolate occasions they relapsed into a wild gaiety when, late at night, the house would be filled with your laughter and your exotic untamed unwary chants, poetry brimmed from your lips and your vibrations filled the house with life. My heart woke up your fantasies, your dreams, your uncaptured soul.
No your feelings were not a burden on me. The burden was myself, my thick fears, and heavy cluttered mind, my apathy, my rigidness, my lack of courage, because with strength, I could have been the woman you and I had wanted, and taken you in my arms and held you.
And as for happiness - I know what happiness is - I have experienced it. Everything glows and a faint smell of warmth comes off the grass and trees and suddenly I'm there and not up in some tiny corner of my mind. But you see, I'm incapacitated, I can't take it and I never have been able too. I remember when I was four years old, all the other children on a hot summers afternoon, going across the lawn to the pool and I had an earache, I was lying in my room with the curtains drawn, the sun against them, they were yellow and had bee's on them. Enough light came in for me to see my arms hanging heavy over the bed and watch my fingers sweep and dangle against the floor whilst in the distance I heard the merry shouts of children play. And sometimes a tiny ray of sun would push between the curtains and if I was lucky, it might fall somewhere on the bed, on me."

Pale and uninteresting.

I can't believe what has happened! I promised myself no matter how tough and busy and tired I became I would never ever do this.

I've ditched the fake tan.

Sounds extremely shallow I know, but I'm not one of those girls who cake it on, I don't wear a dark shade of tangerine or wear eyeshadow up to my eyebrows or wear fake nails, fake eyelashes (I found an eyelash in a ham roll whilst staying with my glam younger sis, I promptly vommed and now have a phobia of them) I'm not a typical TOWIE sort of fake tan addict, up until now I just couldn't live without it. My natural skin colour is pale blue/see through so putting some tan on my legs, and body, made me feel better, made me feel healthier, made me feel remotely attractive, and well just made me feel like me!!
The past 6 months or so, I've just stopped. My legs are shocking, my stomach looks fucking ugly without it and even my own sister kindly pulled down my top that had ridden up the back whilst we were both working at the restaurant, I reckon I was blinding her with my glow in the dark white back.
I am just too tired and can't be bothered. All i have time for when Jacob goes to sleep at night is dinner, Eastenders and sleep. Just ask my poor boyfriend. It's a cycle though, I don't feel myself right now so I stop doing the one thing that makes me feel better, and happier about myself, kind of stupid really! So today I'm going to do the usual routine of shower than tan, and hopefully I will feel like a human being, instead of this ghostly, grumpy, trying to do a billion things at once person.
It's not really about the fake tan is it? It's about not letting motherhood, work, life in general tire you out so much that you let go of who you are and what you enjoy!
Definitely time to get me back!

Valentines humbug!

So it's Valentines Day tomorrow! Mike and i have nothing planned and have no intention of doing anything. We've been through so much together recently and come out of the other side still in one piece and still smiling! I think that says it all for us both personally.
Mike is not one for grand gestures! (He used to be aherm) but I think as time goes on its the simple things you do daily that prove how much you love each other. I'd prefer he be thoughtful and make kind gestures all year round than be an absolute feck wit of a pig all year but then receive the obligatory flowers, teddies and all the other bollocks on V Day.
He is an absolutely amazing Daddy, he cooks me the most amazing food (and doesn't mind that all I can make is pasta! In fact he calls me Nona) he drives me places when I'm too cold (or lazy) to walk even if its way out of his way! he comes home early if I've had a horrid day, he plays with my hair at night whilst I read magazines,he attends to Jacob on rough nights whilst I catch up on sleep, he calms me down when I'm panicking like a loon at everything! He make's me feel so much better just by being in the same room as me...And most importantly he understands and accepts all the little traits and annoying things about me and doesn't ask me to change.
He's so loyal, and committed and I can honestly say I've never been with anyone who is so dedicated just to making me smile. He's a gorgeous and tall Australian, so handsome and funny, he's sensitive and kind and considerate. I truly am very lucky. I guess if it takes Valentines Day to remind you of how lucky you are, then it can only be a good thing.

Best "Us" moments:
1) Calming me down whilst I was in theatre about to have a C Section. He was so strong and calm and amazing and I remember thinking,despite the agonising pain I was in, how ridiculously good looking he looked in the doctor's scrubs he had to wear!

2) First date in a little Indian restaurant in a teeny village called Ham. That's when I first thought I'm keeping this one! So cute and funny and telling me all about his family in Australia.

3) Staying in a Caravan in New South Wales, Oz. During our first trip to Australia, we stayed in amazing hotels, went to fancy restaurants etc.. But it was in Mike's parents caravan alone on the coast that we were happiest. Board games, food, the beach and red wine. It was pure bliss. I may have got drunk and fallen through a window (allegedly) Manly was pretty special too, even though we slept in a sandpit/bed every night. The nights by the ferry port sipping wine without a care in the world were simply unforgettable.

4) Our first gig as "parents" when we brought Bruce home. We were so excited we couldn't sleep, and stayed up all night with this crazy tiny little puppy. We were smitten.

5) Paris! Was so so happy! Best holiday ever. That little place by the canal, the food, the hotel, EVERYTHING!

6) Every time I see him with Jacob. Jacob has such a wonderful, funny Daddy and all the memories we are creating and traditions.

And so much more......and hopefully many more to come.
Love you M xxx

Meet scarsandstripes and the adventures of Jacob!

So I've set up a brand new parenting Blog http://scarsandstripesandjacob.blogspot.com
This one is going to document all things parenting and all things Jacob!
Paving way for 'In my shoes' to be more of a personal one for moi! Fashion, relationships, life and all that jazz!

Keep reading if you do! xx

Tantrums.

At the ripe old age of 16 months old, my gorgeous, placid little baby has turned into a foot stamping, red faced, growling (don't ask) screaming, crying, chuck-yourself-on-the-floor tearaway toddler. We were in the doctors surgery the other day when I asked him to come away from the revolving doors that he kept trying to run in and out of, simple request right?
Wrong. What came after I can only weep as I reminisce, a blood curdling scream followed by the biggest meltdown that would make Naomi Campbell proud. I was absolutely horrified and did everything I could to soothe him, and eventually did, thank God.

I think I'm genuinely baffled as I had no idea they started this early! And I know the majority of the time, he's just asserting who he is, he's trying to tell me that he's an individual (a bloody strong willed one at that) and that he has to be allowed to explore and learn and tread his OWN footsteps. In the meantime I'm learning a whole new world of my own...being parent to a toddler.
It's bloody hard, and exhausting - and I've literally run out of ways to keep him entertained on trains and buses that I now just sing 'The Wheels On The Bus' shamelessly at the top of my lungs because it amuses him.
....and as for Supermarkets! The sweets and chocolate at the checkout, the thousands of kids magazines on the bottom shelf in perfect eye view of my pint size Iggle Piggle addict. Just waiting for his beady eyes to discover them.

I know we'll get there, and to give him credit, he is bloody funny and charming and ever so adorable. I just need extra patience (and wine!)

Please feel free to give me lots of advice on how you handled the dreaded terrible twos (or ones, threes and fours) .....

Not Guilty!

There has been a lot of talk about C Sections on Twitter lately, Kirstie Allsop, domestic goddess and TV personality, recently wrote a badly received tweet regarding the NCT and how it's possible they deliberately fail mothers-to-be who wish to have a C section by not installing them with enough information during their classes, and therefore making mums who have had emergency c sections, feel guilty that they did not deliver the 'right' way. I really like Kirstie and I accept that she was speaking on behalf of many women who had contacted her with issues they had experienced with the NCT. She did go on to say that she fully supports many of the things that NCT do, just that their are a few causes for concern that need to be addressed within the child birth charity and rightfully so.

My lovely midwife Amy had urged me to go the NHS run ante natal classes being held by her and her equally lovely midwifery team (Valley Team, St Thomas's - got nothing but praise for these fantastic ladies) which I enjoyed and found to be informative and free of judgement (although perhaps the encouragement of a home birth was fairly OTT at times) so having not attended NCT, I can't say whether this is true or not. What I can say having seen so many different sides of the debate recently (I follow hundreds of mums on Twitter) is that there seems to be this vibe around emergency C Sectioners, this feeling that we all feel guilty and hard done by and misinformed and that perhaps if we'd been given more advice our c section would never of happened?
This just simply isn't true.
I can wholeheartedly say that I do not and will never ever feel guilty for having a c section, nor do I feel bitter or jealousy and resentment for those who have natural births. If anything I feel happy and relieved that we have an alternative safe method of delivery that is quick and efficient, if our babies are having trouble coming into the world on their own.
On the 25th September 2011 at 5.00pm I was fully dilated and ready to push, I had been induced and had an epidural (an induced labour comes on so quick and intense that I was literally swept off my feet with the pain) and apart from having a long wait until I had fully dilated, I was happy, content with everything so far and ready to give it my all in the crucial moment. Unfortunately after an hour and 15 minutes and no epidural top ups, I was left in agony, beyond exhausted with still no baby delivered, Amy went and fetched the doctor who declared I needed a c section and fast. At 6.30, Jacob was born, I was exhausted and my shoulder was hurting badly (still have no idea why) but I just remember the absolute feeling of sheer relief and not giving a flying hoot at how he got here, I was just really glad that he WAS here! I bonded with my son immediately (contrary to people believing it is more difficult to bond with your child after a c section, maybe it is for some people but no problems here) yes, we did have difficulty breast feeding, Jacob wouldn't latch, so I expressed, with my hands in the hospital and with a pump at home. Would this have happened anyway, who knows? I was told to go along to the local milk cafe where help and support would be available to establish proper breast feeding, call me daft but the though of going to a cafe and trying to feed a screaming hungry child who would not feed from me, in front of other women, had very little appeal to me. Although I never once felt judged by Amy at my decision to keep expressing. I don't feel Jacob and I have bonded less then women and their babies who breastfed and anyone who says any different can fuck off quite frankly. He is my absolute life. It's like saying women who practise Controlled Crying love their babies less than women who don't. Absolutely ridiculous.

So having a c section changed my experience of birth, but only the end bit, only that ten minutes at the end when he was delivered. Everything until then had been as it would have been had he arrived naturally, the pain before the epidural, the agonising pain after the epidural wore off. I felt it, I know how it feels, I have missed nothing other than the feeling of delivery. And do you know what, I'm really okay with that! But is it okay? Should I feel guilty? I almost feel guilty for not feeling guilty! The fact is I'm quite pleased I didn't have to have stitches down below, and everyone one of my friends who have had a c section all say the same thing, with a wink. And why not.

After having a T incision ( an internal incision as well as the normal one because Jacob was quite far down the birth canal) I've been told I won't be able to give birth naturally, and that's fine too. I'm at peace with that, I can choose the birthdays of my future children and prepare and organise those last few days of pregnancy before hurricane newborn gets home.

And when I bring my future darling babies born by c section home from hospital, I STILL won't feel guilty. And I certainly won't be feeling jealous of those who had natural births, as I wouldn't expect them to feel jealous of me and my 'cushy' c section.
I'm not ashamed of what my body didn't do, I'm too in awe with what it did.