Decisions, decisions....

As you all probably know, mike, Jacob and I are all over in Australia at the moment. We are in Mike's hometown of Canberra and are quite frankly having a blast. It's a gorgeous, family - friendly, city, with lovely affordable, family homes, plenty of places for young kiddies, great malls, stylish shops/restaurants/cafes. We came over as we'd had a tough time of late in London. We came over to visit Mike's family, get our heads sorted and to see if we could ever call Canberra home.
I've been with Mike 5 years now and we have always discussed moving here when the time is right. I always said maybe when we have kids, which of course we now have, yet I have still decided that I'm not ready to move over. When I read over the first sentence of this post it's hard to get my head around why I'm not ready? It's perfect , what is there not to like?

The truth is, you cannot be where you do not see yourself being, you cannot force a move when your heart is not in it. How do you compromise when one of you wants to live somewhere and the other doesn't? The pressure on me has mounted so high that I am now backing away from it all, the disappointment in mike's family's faces.. the disdain, the look in their eyes saying "fine, go home, you'll be in a mess again within a few months and don't expect us to bail you out next time"
It's like this MASSIVE fat elephant in the room whenever we are all together and I just don't know how to explain why?

Because I love London, and it's people and its parks, and places and atmosphere and buzz. It's my home.
Because I love my sisters so much, and when its their turn to have babies, I want to be there standing next to them holding their hands and watching their children grow. Not having to communicate with family and friends via a whispered telephone call in the dead of the night due to time differences.
Because, even though Mike and I have been through a difficult patch financially, I want us to prove that we can get back on our feet. We've been blissfully happy in London before and I want to, need to prove to myself that I can do that again, that I don't need to rely on others to bail me out. I'm fiercely independent and do not need people looking over my shoulder and commenting on everything I do.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Am I stringing mike and his family along? I sure as hell hope not? Is it normal to be pressurised this much?
Who knows. All I do know is, London, I'll be seeing you on July 15th.

Battle of the High-streets

Being in Australia and all, it would be rude not to do a bit of shopping and check out what's hot & what's not down under.
With this being my 4th trip here I've already got my faves and a pretty good idea of what shops suit me best (style and fit!) 'Cotton On' is great for your basics - tee's, shorts, scarves, summer dresses, it's cheap n cheerful and has a great children's department too. 'Sportsgirl' is a bit like Topshop in that it caters for the young and is current and up to date with its catwalk copies & ok-ish prices (latest celebrity collaboration/collection by Whitney Port) 'Bardot' is sparkly party Saturday night outfits and 'Forever New' is a floaty, feminine, very pretty collection of dresses, skirts and pastel colours, with gorgeous accessories but on the pricier side.
Having said all that, I have often struggled to find clothes here and my unadventurous British side has often hankered for a straight forward H&M, Topshop or Gap!
Luckily for the Aussies, this is beginning to happen, with recent openings of Zara and Topshop Flagships in Melbourne (not Sydney surprisingly, 1-0 to Melbs) H&M and River Island making appearances and the nationwide openings of Gap. I do wonder with the arrival of these global retail giants, what will become of the Australian high street stores?
Other Australian brands include Supre, which I find too young for me (think Tammygirl) and Myer, which is one of their main department stores, and has a brilliant children's brand called Sprout.
They have Espirit, which we have too., and ASOS have developed an Aussie web too, which certainly opens up many shopping opportunities!

As much as I'm a creature of habit, I desperately need a dress for a party on Saturday night, so it's time to get shopping, Australian style!


                         Some of high-street brands/webs repping the UK (and other countries)

                              
 
                                            Some of the high-street brands repping Australia

                           
                                                                My beloved Cotton On!

I miss you, silly.

Tonight Jacob is sleeping in his very own bedroom. He hasn't done this since August when we moved to the countryside and then back to London and our lives became chaotic and ridiculous and we lived in 2 places in 4 months whilst we house hunted. As a result of the upheaval and the fact that I was drowning in guilt at him not having his own space, he slept with me and his Daddy, in order to make him feel secure and comfortable. And now we are in Australia and he has a lovely little room, with a proper little bed and a cute dinosaur duvet cover and just a WHOLE BEDROOM OF HIS OWN.
And I miss him, I can't sleep. I miss his breath on my face, and the smell of his hair, and his finger up my nostril and even the early morning boot in the ribs.

Waaaahhhh.

*2 hours after this post was written, Jacob was snoozing in our bed. Will try again soon!

Jetlagged

Day Two in Australia and that hazy, heavy fog is still hanging around, unwanted making me seriously grumpy, fuck off Jet Lag. I'm starving at 3am and have zero appetite at 6pm when everyone else is preparing for dinner, urgh.
Jacob has been a grump today too, like me, sleep deprivation hits him hard.
On a positive note, we went and watched Ben play his school league Basketball game today - Jacob absolutely loved it and was shouting from the bleachers like a little angry, chubby Coach, waving his arms, clapping and general nut case behaviour. Weather still good too (considering Australia is heading into Winter - its still mid twenties) We've got Madison's Basketball game to attend tomorrow and then it's a 2 hour drive to the coast to stay for a few days. On the exact half way point of the journey we stop off at this amazing little wood town of Broomwood for meat pies (best meat pies and lamingtons in Australia) its seriously like stepping back in time to a country and western town. So cute. So excited to be at the beach and will hopefully get some nice shots of Jacob.
...and maybe even a *real* tan!

Australia.

Sunshine, family and beaches.... That's really all it took to convince me to come on a 3 month holiday to Australia. Mike is from Canberra and has been dying to get back for years ..and I have to say it really doesn't disappoint.
The flight over was amazing, 12 hours first leg in which Jacob slept 10 hours, then a lovely little stop over in the humid and busy metropolis that is Kuala Lumpur. Had a great little mooch around the street markets and had some tasty local food. Nice.
Second flight of 8 hours was a bit more trying as he was awake for the majority, but still, we made it through..and I still managed to squeeze in a film, Les Miserables which is by the way, a-effing-mazing.
..Then we arrived! Australia, I love you. The sun is shining, I've been to the mall for flowers as its Mike's Gran's birthday do tonight, marvelled at the ridiculously amazing food halls they have in the shopping centres over here. We've been for a picnic at the lake, caught up with a friend for coffee, been to the park, and watched the (exotic) birds. Jacob has met up with his cousins and become completely infatuated with his older cousin Ben. I'm now sat in a lovely soft play centre surrounded by other mums and getting the low down on the kids activities in the area (lots, by the sounds of things)
We have lots lined up to do, a visit to Sydney, a camping trip, maybe some skiing at the snowy mountains, a trip to NSW coast this weekend which I'm beside myself with excitement about. Basically exactly what the doctor ordered after a shitty miserable last few months.
The world definitely seems brighter when the sun is out.

Off to the land down under

I've not posted for ages! I'm so sorry (to my two, and only two readers, Anita and Mike) you see I have been a busy bee, desperately house hunting constantly! Every house we have viewed and shook hands on have fallen through..the lovely little place with huuuge garden in Brockley, the sweet little basement pad in Crystal Palace, the idyllic little cottage in South Norwood. Every flipping one of them!
So after months of pissing about and staying with family, putting them out and boring them to death with our house viewing trials and tribulations, we've decided to go for a long holiday to Mike's homeland; Australia!
I've been loads as we used to visit mike's parents once a year (pre Jacob) and I absolutely love the place. It will be really nice to get away from all the stress and drama of the last few months and mike is able to restart work on our return, So, with no rental contract signed or kids at school now seems like the best time to go for a nice long holiday and introduce Jacob to all his Aussie relatives!

And whilst we're there we may even start to contemplate a permanent move sometime in the future.
Life in London has really knocked it out of me the last few months. House prices soar by the week and good jobs are becoming increasingly hard to find. I can't even contemplate going back to work because the cost of childcare would probably override my monthly salary. To put in bluntly, living off one salary when you have a family to support is shit. Mike did 76 hours last week and what do we have to show for all the hard work? Nothing. I'm increasingly learning in this country that it doesn't pay to be the hardworking family that isn't quite poor but are certainly not rich either, because mike earned more than £26,000 we were denied tax credits. Yet the man who robbed my mother and was arrested and put on probation, with the help of his probation officer, managed to get a council flat in a nice area of London with everything being paid for. Essentially, my mum, by being robbed by him, improved his life. Where the fuck is the justice in that?

I do really love London and the UK. There are many things that make me proud. Unfortunately I'm just slowly falling out of love with the place. Hopefully a nice long holiday will sort me out! After all, You can take the girl out of London....

All that is me.

Whilst clearing out my mums old house this weekend, I found this gorgeous piece of writing that I had written down when I was 17. I have no idea where I copied it from, I sure as hell know I didn't create it myself, but I'm so glad I found it. It is absolutely beautiful.

" All you accuse me of is right but you don't understand it. Sometime I will try and tell you. I respect your unrequited search after what is real and true, more than anything. When I did fall in love with you I didn't recognise it because it was a new feeling, I hope I never gave the impression your feelings were a burden on me? Now I look back on it, this was not so, they were the most real and joyful part of my existence.
Sometimes on the most desolate occasions they relapsed into a wild gaiety when, late at night, the house would be filled with your laughter and your exotic untamed unwary chants, poetry brimmed from your lips and your vibrations filled the house with life. My heart woke up your fantasies, your dreams, your uncaptured soul.
No your feelings were not a burden on me. The burden was myself, my thick fears, and heavy cluttered mind, my apathy, my rigidness, my lack of courage, because with strength, I could have been the woman you and I had wanted, and taken you in my arms and held you.
And as for happiness - I know what happiness is - I have experienced it. Everything glows and a faint smell of warmth comes off the grass and trees and suddenly I'm there and not up in some tiny corner of my mind. But you see, I'm incapacitated, I can't take it and I never have been able too. I remember when I was four years old, all the other children on a hot summers afternoon, going across the lawn to the pool and I had an earache, I was lying in my room with the curtains drawn, the sun against them, they were yellow and had bee's on them. Enough light came in for me to see my arms hanging heavy over the bed and watch my fingers sweep and dangle against the floor whilst in the distance I heard the merry shouts of children play. And sometimes a tiny ray of sun would push between the curtains and if I was lucky, it might fall somewhere on the bed, on me."